


three voices, one braincell, five eyes

by r2_dj



Category: Let's Play Cyberpunk Red - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Vang0 is also dumb, also dasha is trans. not mentioned in the fic but i need you to know, burger chainz ultimate himbo, character study but not at all, dasha owns the brain cell, he's smart but so dumb, just a lot of diaglogue, this is my first fanfic ever i wrote it in an hour it's not Great, vang0 has a gun and we don't talk about it enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:07:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25767196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r2_dj/pseuds/r2_dj
Summary: Dapper Dasha is good at her job. Her associates do not make it easy for her.or: Dapper Dasha having the group braincell for 1000 words straight
Relationships: Dapper Dasha & Burger Chainz & Vang0 Bang0
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	three voices, one braincell, five eyes

**Author's Note:**

> hey folks! this is my first-ever fanfic, and my first for this fandom. i should probably, like, edit it, but i'm posting it instead. shoutout to the pcpr discord for egging me on and inspiring me to write this in the first place! 
> 
> (yes the title is a lmam reference)  
> (updated 8/7/20: fixed italics and title)

Dapper Dasha is good at her job. She’s been a fixer for years, more out of necessity than a true passion for the work, but she has a reputation, and that reputation is one of reliability, discretion, and seemingly endless connections. She is _not_ going to lose out on a payday because of her associates’ inability to use their brains or, god forbid, let her plan an escape route that doesn’t involve tunnels and darkness.

“Aw, c’mon Dasha, stop it with that ‘associates’ business! I’ve known you since- for years! You can call us your friends! I mean personally, I consider you- and you, Vang0! - I think of you as my friends.” Burger Chainz is giving her puppy-dog eyes (or eye, as his cybernetic implant isn’t a model capable of emoting), and his voice echoes down the dark hallway.

“Uhhh, guys? Not to, uh, not to be a downer, but I- uh- the cameras are back on and I think they might know we’re here?” Vang0’s voice pitches further and further upwards as he frantically types away at a terminal. 

The screen suddenly blinks off, and blue-tinted lighting starts humming to life throughout the hallway. 

“How did they find out where we went?” Dasha whispers through gritted teeth.

“Uh, hey, it’s me, Vang0 Bang0, uh, back at you livestr- uh, streaming live again! So we’re, uh, we’re- they found us I think, so, uh, subscribe and, uh, Vang0 Bang0 out.” He turns off his Eye, and Dasha bites back a scream. They had talked about this. Streaming jobs was not okay, no matter how much more engagement it brings. Some of those viewers could very well represent corporations, gangs, or individuals who Vang0, Burger, and Dasha were acting against. Dasha had a conversation with the streamer about face filters after the Cats (2019) incident, but Vang0’s devotion to brand recognition meant - well. 

A short person in a suit with wide lapels appears at the end of the hallway, long blue hair, two implants visible, seems a bit unsure of themselves, Dasha notes.

“What is going on here. Who are you. You’re not allowed to be here,” they say, adjusting an antenna attached to their metallic ear.  
Burger and Vang0 take a deep breath in unison, but Dasha smoothly steps in front of them. She pastes on her most charming smile. Talking. She’s good at this. She can do this.

“Oh, hello there! It’s so wonderful to see another person down here. I’m Ashes Lyre, and these are my- these are my bodyguards,” she says, in a tone perfected by years in high society.

“Yup, that’s us! I’m her bodyguard, uh, my name is-” _Burger, no._

Vang0 interrupts the driver almost immediately. “His name is Burger- no it isn’t at all- that isn’t his name. His name is-”  
“My name. Is Radioshucks. And this here is my partner-” _No, don’t let Vang0 talk. Don’t._

“I’m Van- uh, Vangus Bangus and boy do I enjoy my job! Of guarding Dasha-” Burger shakes his head frantically. “-of guarding Aashes? Guarding Ashes’ body. That’s my job, for sure, not streaming.” Dasha’s still smiling, despite this being a nightmare scenario.

“Yes, my bodyguards, who are accompanying me, because I get so easily lost. It seems to have happened again,” she says, red-painted lips tilted slightly upwards, in an _aren’t I a foolish fancy lady, don’t call the cops_ kind of expression.

“Oh. That’s not good. But this area is locked to the public. How did you get in.” The suit-wearing guard isn’t asking questions so much as they’re stating facts, and Dasha can feel her heart sink. This is not good.

“Well,” Burger says, looking for all the world like he’s run into a stray D0Gbot and not a corporate representative who will likely have absolutely no problem killing him, “well, you see, me and Ashes were having a conversation and I got all distracted so I thought this was her front door and I opened it.”

The suited person inclines their head. “The door has a magnetic lock. It requires 20 tons of pressure to open when locked.”

“I’m very strong,” Burger responds confidently. With no warning, Vang0 steps forward, pulls out his chrome pistol, and points it at the guard-person.

“What’s your name?” he asks, not making eye contact. “Just kidding, I know your name, haha, because it’s Cig Redux, and I hacked into your file and you aren’t supposed to be here either. So I’m going to, uh, you let us go and I won’t shoot you.” Holy shit. Dasha didn’t know where that came from, but good for him.

“Oh, I can shoot him, though! Or her! Or them! I’m so sorry, what are your pronouns?” Burger has a point, and Dasha waits for Redux to clear their throat and mutter that _I use they/them mostly_ before she takes control of the situation again.

“No one is shooting anyone!” Dasha shouts. “And no one is going to know we were here, unless a certain Mx. Redux decides they want themself blacklisted from every fixer and joblist and supplier in Night City.” Dasha’s smile is no longer an act. It is angry, hungry, like a promise. Redux has a name for themself, but Dasha is tired, and she’s sweaty, and she wants to get her pay.

Redux seems terrified. Good. Dasha walks past them, and towards the door. It wasn’t the cleanest job, but they got the codes they needed, and she can’t help but smile as she hears Vang0’s voice from a few steps behind her, excitedly narrating to the JumpTrash viewers how he “did some, uh, did an extremely legal and badass thing, it was definitely legal though,” and Burger Chainz’s occasional comments as he moderated the chat from his agent.

Burger was right - they’re too stupid for her to keep around as associates. It wouldn’t make sense, from a business standpoint. Hm. Friends. Why not.

“Good job, in there, boys.”

“You too, Dash! Oh, that’s NOT an appropriate word to be using, artoo-das-deejay! Deleted!”

Yeah. Friends seems about right.

**Author's Note:**

> theyre so dumb. i love them.
> 
> please leave me comments! i haven't done creative writing in years so i'm ~insecure~
> 
> my polygon tumblr is @dapperdasha, interact with me bls


End file.
